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Keeping the Conversation Going
By Beth Creswell Wilson ’96, PhD, Associate Head of School for Academics and Head of Upper School
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Working with more than 300 teenagers and being a mom myself, one thing I think about a lot is how to help the girls continue to talk to their parents and guardians, and how to help those parents and guardians encourage that dialogue. Stereotypes tell us that girls talk a lot, that they are eager to spill out their thoughts and feelings, but things can be a little more complex between adolescent girls and the adults in their lives. Knowing that someone cares about their experiences and is accepting of their thoughts and feelings can make an enormous difference in a girl’s wellbeing, so even when it gets complicated, it’s worth staying committed to dialogue.
Here are a few tips:
Here are a few tips:
- Focus on listening. Teens sometimes oscillate between keeping quiet and launching into a monologue about something they’re passionate about, big or small. While it runs counter to all we know about using conversation to build relationships, it can be helpful in these “monologue moments” to really commit to being a great listener.
- Ask open-ended questions. I think of single-answer questions like a gumball machine—put in your one quarter, get your one gumball. Well-timed open-ended questions work more like a tap, opening a flow. While there are brilliant and thought-provoking questions to be had (just Google!), sometimes it’s as simple as “What happened during physics?” or “Which class period was best today?”
- Check your judgments and suggestions. This is a toughy, because adults have more life experience than teens, and we may quickly form opinions or predictions when teens share their experiences. When we check ourselves before we share our perspectives, we give ourselves a minute to assess: Am I giving unsolicited advice that may make my daughter feel less agency, or sharing an important boundary I want her to recognize? Am I reacting first as a kind supporter of my daughter? Or am I drawing the conversation away from my daughter’s point and toward my own?
At the dinner table, in the car on the way home from practice or rehearsal, or wherever you get a chance to create a dialogue with your daughter, I wish you the best, both as an educator and as a mom who is right there with you!
